Belonging

Is belonging the antidote to imposter syndrome?

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place- you belong every place- no place at all.

The price is high. The reward is great.”

-Maya Angelou

Belonging is a basic human need. You’ll find belonging right in the centre of Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. That means that before things like ‘respect’ and ‘self-actualization’, human beings need to feel a sense of connection.

So what is belonging? Brené Brown defines it as, “being part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else.” Essentially she says,

Belonging is the opposite of fitting in.

When Maya Angelou says, “the price is high”, I believe that she is talking about having the courage to show up as your real self. Vulnerability is hard work, but “the reward is great.” Sometimes we don’t even know what ‘our real self’ is after a lifetime of people pleasing, lack of boundaries and good old fashioned perfectionism. Sometimes our self-worth tells us that we’re not good enough to show up as is. In business, you’ll hear people talk about “Imposter Syndrome.”

Imposter Syndrome and unwarranted self-criticism were obstacles for me in the process of launching my consultancy. I felt discouraged by the ‘success’ I saw on social media. I even felt embarrassed to be ‘starting out’ when others who are younger than me are well established in their solopreneur practices. After months of not feeling like enough, I saw one of Elyse Myers’ TikToks. Elyse openly shares her struggles with anxiety on the app and has grown a community of millions of followers through her incredible digital storytelling skills and raw authenticity. This time, Elyse was busting the myth that she somehow overcomes her nerves in order to produce content for an insanely large audience. “Do it scared” she told us.

It was the truth bomb I needed. I realized that nobody was going to start my business for me and that if I waited for the perfect time I would be forever stuck in a cycle of procrastination- a classic Perfectionist coping mechanism. It was almost like this validation of my feelings felt like ‘permission’. Permission to normalize proceeding, imperfectly towards my dream. Elyse’s vulnerability made me feel like I belonged.

Now that I’ve bit the bullet and signed some real, actual clients, my understanding of these concepts is deepening. I’ve noticed a direct correlation between perfectionism, imposter syndrome, self-compassion, and, yes, belonging.

It’s a bit of a chicken and egg scenario, but hear me out. Brené says that, “where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.” Shame and Imposter Syndrome are cut from the same cloth, after all. So does that mean that to conquer perfectionism, we must first address our shame? Yes. Yes it does. And in order to work through our shame does that mean we will need to practice self-compassion? Right again. And in order to have self-compassion and to be able to show up as our true self we must have… belonging? I believe that’s true.

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place-you belong every place” Maya says. I believe she is rejecting the idea that there is some place where we are ‘supposed’ to be. Or someone we are supposed to be. She is reminding us that our belonging must come from within. We must first belong to ourselves. There is nothing in between you and your right to belong.

We’ve all grown up in a culture of asking permission. Typically, this concept is unproblematic and socially normal. But if you’re a recovering codependent like me, you might understand the strong desire to seek ‘permission’ or ‘validation’ before pursuing something. In that Tiktok, Elyse gave me what felt like permission to do it scared. She normalized the struggle and gave me that boost I so needed to finally take a step forward. If you’re needing that here, take this as a sign. This is your permission (not that you need it) to belong. To be enough.

Your new business is enough. Your dated kitchen is enough. Your apartment is enough. Your hobbies are enough. Your hair and nails are enough. You are enough. Just as you are. You are welcome here. You belong.